In my line of work, I’ve met many kids and parents. The best parents aren’t necessarily those who shower their kids with material possessions or micromanage every aspect of their lives, though these are important. The best parents are emotionally stable.
Japanese novelist Kotaro Isaka famously said, “The thought that you don’t need to pass an exam to become a parent is terrifying.”
If there were a parenting exam, at least half of the parents out there would fail, and many wouldn’t even realize they had a problem.
Sociology emphasizes the impact of one’s upbringing, arguing that it has a profound and lasting effect. While this might be an overstatement—after all, as adults, we can learn and grow—there’s no denying that parents shape their children’s lives, especially their personalities.
And the most important quality parents should instill in their children is emotional stability. But how can you teach what you don’t practice? If you’re emotionally volatile, you can’t expect to raise emotionally stable kids.
Emotional stability is a key indicator of maturity. Some people reach their 70s or 80s but still fly off the handle over the smallest things. Emotionally, they’re stuck in childhood.
Emotionally unstable parents create chaotic homes. Instead of logic and reason, their households are ruled by whoever’s emotions are the loudest and most forceful. This breeds conflict and tension.
We often hear, “Home is not the place for logic.” But this doesn’t mean it should be devoid of reason. Harmonious families value logic and understanding. The saying “Home is not the place for logic” is often used to justify unreasonable behavior.
When an emotionally unstable and unreasonable person dominates a household, things get messy. Their word becomes law, and everyone else has to fall in line. They might pretend to listen, but only if you ultimately agree with them. Disagreement is met not with reason or respect, but with emotional outbursts aimed at forcing submission.
Emotions are a bottomless pit, escalating with each outburst. What starts with a plate thrown in anger can quickly escalate to a demolished kitchen. Living with such a person is terrifying. They can’t control themselves, and since the household demands “unity,” they often end up controlling everyone else. Rationality is suppressed, and everyone else suffers in silence. What other choice do they have?
This is the unfortunate reality for many. They recognize the dysfunction but feel powerless to change it.
Emotional individuals deal with problems emotionally. When consumed by emotions, they become like demons.
People with poor emotional control react to problems with outbursts, rage, and even violence. They use their emotions as weapons to seize control and dominate their families. Being on the receiving end of this, whether as a spouse or a child, is incredibly damaging.
Children raised in such environments grow up insecure and fearful. They develop coping mechanisms: some become passive and submissive, while others mirror the aggression they’ve witnessed.
Parents are the ultimate role models, for better or worse. Emotionally unstable parents rarely raise emotionally stable children. Through observation, imitation, and constant exposure, children internalize these unhealthy patterns. When they finally leave the nest and face life’s challenges, they often rely on the same destructive tactics, especially in their own relationships and families.
Look around, and you’ll see a recurring theme in unhappy marriages. While the specifics vary, there’s often at least one partner who’s emotionally volatile, someone who uses emotions as their primary problem-solving tool.
Therefore, the most important lesson for any parent is to master their own emotions. It’s the greatest gift you can give your children and the foundation for their future happiness.